7 tips to consider before you do.
The act of finally “coming out” to those closest to you can be nerve wrecking at best, and one of the hardest tasks mentally and psychologically to challenge. Of course, everybody’s morals are different, and what may be right for you may not be right for someone else, and that’s okay. Everybody isn’t going to agree, nor understand what you’re going through. However, it is extremely vital that you consider your own personal circumstances when you’re making this decision, your safety and wellbeing should trump all.
As I write this I can’t confidently say that I understand how it feels to come out, but having my best friend who happens to be my cousin, come out to me when we were just 14 has helped me empathize with this situation. With this blog, I hope to provide you with some tips and information to help you tackle this situation with confidence and grace. Because when you know who YOU are and your confident in your truth? Nobody can tear you down.
Keep reading for 7 helpful tips to help you on this journey.
TIP ONE: DON’T FEEL PRESSURED.
This process cannot be rushed. Everyone should come out when THEY feel ready, not because a commercial told you to, not because Steve Harvey told you to, and not even because your best friend chose to. Often times you may feel immense pressure to tell your loved ones before you are ready, and the best advice I can give is… DON’T. I’m a firm believer in the idea that everything happens in divine order, and when it’s your time… You’ll know. Keep in mind that YOUR coming out is about YOU and only you.
Never lose sight of that.
TIP TWO: YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHOSE BETWEEN YOUR FAITH AND YOUR SEXUALITY.
Unfortunately, the relationship between religion and the LGBTQ community is a complicated stone to turn and everybody handles and experiences it differently. As we know, for centuries being gay was considered one of the greatest sins to be committed. However, times are changing.
There was a research report published in 2015 that analyzed an evangelical Christian news magazine called Christianity Today. Jim Trammell found that since 2000 the expansion of gay marriage rights has almost forced the church to have the conversation. Today’s believers are trying to challenge the idea of how sexuality merges with Christianity.
The article analyzes first person testimonials from gay and lesbian devout Christians and the strategies used by evangelical media to negotiate between acknowledging the lived experiences of gay and lesbian Christians.
If you’re having a hard time getting over this hump and it scares the hell out of you, then I strongly advise that you read this article. It has a lot of first person insight on how to handle this situation, how to better talk to your parents and how to decipher the thoughts going through your head. I’ve put the link down below.
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BUT aside from the article, I want to give my 2 cents. So…
Rule number ONE, no matter what they tell you (whoever “they” may be… mom, grandma, pastor) being rooted in strong faith and being gay are NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE. Your relationship with religion is one unique to you. It is no secret that historically, LGBTQ individuals have been treated harshly in the eyes of the church, but what you may not know is that in recent years nearly every religious denomination has created support groups for LGBTQ individuals. According to The Trevor Project’s website, – a leading national organization that provides crisis and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ individuals under 25 – some denominations such as Reform Judaism and the Episcopalian church are “openly supportive of LGBTQ members.”
Time is slowing for no one and the world is rapidly changing, becoming more accepting and more open. Research shows that as society’s shifting more people are gaining the ability to accept what is and many other denominations are beginning to follow suit and be LGBTQ-inclusive.
So remember, your faith has NOTHING to do with your sexuality and you should never use that as a crutch to hide who you are. Stand in your truth, and own who you are, doing so will make those around you respect your decision as much as you do.
TIP THREE: DO SOME RESEARCH ON HOW OTHERS CAME OUT.
Often times most people who go through this process experience the same anxieties and fears. What’s going to happen to me? Will they judge me? Will they accept me? Will I have a roof over my head after I tell them… The list of questions is endless, and quite frankly tiring to think about. Watching other people’s stories can help you build some confidence and gain some insight on your situation, because like I said, yes your process will be unique to you, however there are millions and millions of people out there going through what you’re going through and they’re willing to share how they handled it.
Below I have linked an article by Pew Research Center (PRC) titled, LGBT Voices: The Coming Out Experience. This article is based on a study conducted by the PRC where they asked gay, lesbian and transgender adults the following question:
“How has the process of telling people about your sexual orientation/gender identity been for you personally?”
The article has a lot of the participant’s responses, them detailing their experiences whether they be positive or negative. It never hurts to listen to what others have been through especially considering you’re going through the same things.
https://www.pewresearch.org/interactives/lgbt-voices-the-coming-out-experience/
The video below is a piece BuzzFeed entitled, “Before vs. After” where they interviewed a few members of the LGBTQ community (male and female) about their experiences. They ask them to compare their experiences before and after coming out.
Videos like this are all over the web, specifically RUComingOut, they have over 300 real life coming out stories from normal folks and celebs. Take the time and watch a few. It’ll will ease your stress, I promise
TIP FOUR: DON’T LABEL YOURSELF… unless you WANT TO.
Unfortunately, we live in a society where ‘labels’ are a thing. Terms like lesbian, gay and bi are of course totally acceptable, but don’t feel the NEED to identify as anything. You feel like labeling yourself will enhance your experience, then by all means do so, but if you’re stressing yourself out on how to identify YOU, then let that shit go and just go with your feelings.
This tip opens the door for something else I want to note.
We live in a society where people are ignorant, completely and utterly ignorant. We live in a society where shaming is also a thing… slut shaming, color shaming, body shaming, the list goes on. But the impact of homophobic labels like “faggot” are highly offensive and totally uncalled for.
In a research report published in the Journal of Language and Social Psychology, they examined the effect of homophobic labels and how LGBTQ individuals internalize these slurs. Research showed that heterosexual participants freely associate less positive concepts with the homophobic label (e.g., faggot) than the category label (e.g., gay; Carnaghi et al., 2011, Fasoli et al., 2016).
Meaning that heterosexual people just like gay people know the negative connotation that comes with homophobic slurs, but what most don’t understand is the effect it has on the receiving end. According to NBC News, 1 in 4 pre-teen suicides are LGBTQ youth. 1 in 4, that’s a fairly high statistic. Researchers explain exactly how much harder it is for a youngin’ to come out to the world as opposed to an adult with more life experience.
https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/one-four-pre-teen-suicides-may-be-lgbtq-youth-n974481
Kids can be cruel and don’t always think before they speak, calling other kids fags, and referring to things as “gay” can constantly chop at someone’s self-esteem. Without the ability to talk to somebody about what’s going on, they fight the internal battle of hiding it and bottling emotions up until they chose give up the fight.
“Suicide is not caused because of their LGBTQ identity, but rather by how the world reacts to their identity.” – Reuters
I say all this to say, FUCK THE LABELS and anyone who fails to respect or understand your decision. I know this is easier said than done, but I believe in you and there are others out there who will believe in you too.
TIP FIVE: IGNORE THE STEREOTYPES.
So we all love us a little Saturday Night Live, but sometimes they can be insensitive to the LGBTQ community. As you saw with the clip above they centered this skit around how “perfect” gay men are. Xanax for gay summer weddings? C’mon, not that that’s the worst stereotype to be associated with, but it’s still telling society that it’s okay to “joke” about sexuality.
I’m here to tell you that as a woman of color, stereotyping is something I’m presented with every day and fighting those stereotypes gets tiring.
When gay people first started appearing in the media, stereotypes commonly used were that of the overly feminine man similar to Cameron from ‘Modern Family’, and the super butch female. Unfortunately, we still live in a society where people think every member of the LGBTQ community should fit similar stereotypes as if no one can have uniqueness these days.
There was an article submitted to the International Communication Association that examines and analyzes the gay characters in the show Glee. Now we all used to love Glee, and this article examines the work of Richard Dyer and Larry Gross and how they explore the changing representation of gay masculinities in the show. The study was conducted in response to the rising problem of bullying related suicides of gay teens here in the US. I would give it a quick read, it really breaks down how homosexual teens internalize the way they’re treated based on these whack ass stereotypes and how they take it out on themselves and others.
All of the info in this article can be applied to help you navigate your path. It also wouldn’t hurt to send the article to your close friends and family so maybe the can learn to move through this situation with you, because by no means is this process easy. You’ll need support. I’ll provide the link below.
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Rob Cover, a media professor at Victoria University in Wellington argues that stereotyping is a reduction of unique individuality and diversity into wrongful notions of group behavior. His research surrounds the idea that these engaging to often in these stereotypes leads to self-stereotyping. He goes on to explain how the majority of stereotypes of gay and lesbian individuals is based on visually recognizable bodies, not their mannerisms nor the way they talk, but simply how they look.
Basically saying that because some gay men chose to be more feminine that all gay men are supposed to be dressed in drag and wearing makeup, no. The same goes for butch females, all gay females are too dress like a boy and cut their hair, no. That’s simple midned and quite frankly rude to stereotype folks based off how they chose to dress.
He states in conclusion that “it must be understood that where the cultural knowledge circulating in the stereotype permits naming, interpellation and thus the performativity of lesbian/gay subjectivity, it is by no means necessarily determinant of all of any lesbian/gay articulations.”
Meaning THAT. Stereotypes don’t in ANY WAY define you… What someone else thinks hold no bearing on how you live your life. Thinking that you HAVE to or SHOULD be one way, when really what’s right for you is what’s right for YOU. Nobody can tell you who YOU are, not even others who share your same story.
All in all, I am here to tell you to again FUCK THE STEROTYPES. If you identify as a gay male and want to dress like a boy OR a girl or hell even if you wanna dress up like cat in the hat, fucking do it. That’s your preference and shouldn’t be validated by any stereotype.
TIP SIX: START BY TELLING ONE PERSON.
I feel like this is a vital tip because I saw first-hand the effect it had on easing the stress that comes with opening up to people. I don’t want you to think that you have to bring everyone together in a dark room and drop the bomb… NO. I would actually strongly advise that you start by telling just one person, someone you trust more than anyone. Tell them and gage their reaction, and test the waters for a bit. Pay attention to how they treat you, it’ll help you to see things from a realistic point of view.
Quick relevant story time…
So my cousin Cameron is my absolute best friend in the world, he’s honestly my twin separated at birth… ANYWHO. Cameron is gay, and has known he was since he was 5. Of course the family had their thoughts but we had never once heard it from the horse’s mouth, that is until we got to high school. I’ll never forget, it was Christmas, and everybody was home, him and I were in the basement watching something we weren’t supposed to be and he said to me, “Chelsea, what would you do if I told you I was gay?” I literally looked at him and laughed, and I was maybe a little insensitive but I said “I knew it before you did.” He just sat there for a second and said “sooooo.. you know?” I said, “yes, I know and NO I DO NOT CARE. I love you all the same.”
You could literally see the relief fall off his shoulders, it was an amazing moment I still tear up when I think about it. And after he told me, he literally marched upstairs and told EVERYBODY. Now, you know your family and your situation so I would act accordingly. Which leads me into my last and final tip…
TIP SEVEN: GIVE PEOPLE TIME.
As I’ve stated multiple times throughout this blog, everybody reacts differently to situations. Some of you may have waited years to finally be confident with your sexuality, give your loved ones that same respect. Give people time to digest the news and take it in fully. Give them the time to ask questions and be prepared with answers. Another tip of mine would be to not act based on initial reactions, remember, surprise doesn’t always equate disapproval.
But you also have to be aware and understand that people do have negative experiences. Things don’t always go as we envision, but that also doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. If and when you decide you’re ready, make sure you have a safety net if things don’t go how you want them to.
Below I have linked a site with several LGBTQ support groups and resource centers to reach out to. There’s always someone out there willing to listen, please know that whatever you’re going through, you don’t have to go through it alone.
https://www.glaad.org/resources
I hope this blog has provided you with a little more insight to how you can conquer this process. If you’re reading in hopes of using these tips, I wish you the best of luck and know I’m rooting for you. Live in your truth, take that step and trust and believe in YOURSELF.
YOU GOT THIS!
Xoxo, Chelssss.
Chelss Speaks 